


With or without

by Skullka



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Blindness, Bonding Moments, Established shallura, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Keith blames himself, Langst, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mutual Pining, Permanent Injury, Slow Burn, as always, basically everybody is devasted and crying including the author, klangst, the rest of the team is trying their best to help
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-30
Updated: 2017-07-18
Packaged: 2018-08-27 14:08:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8404591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skullka/pseuds/Skullka
Summary: This was not supposed to happen. None of this should have ever happened.So why, why did it happen? Why did I let it happen?This is all my fault. What have I done... I'm so sorry, Lance...Failed mission. A single mistake. That was all it took for Lance to shatter into pieces.It cost him his sight, and now he finds himself in a position where he may not be able to continue being a Paladin.This was harsh on the whole team on so many different levels...But mostly on Keith.





	1. Painful mistake

**Author's Note:**

> Guess who's writing something again after 10000 years! You're favorite angst princess is back and ready to deliver you some pain & tears!  
> This time I fell into the Klance hell so I figured, why not. Klangst is my cup of tea, 10/10.  
> I hope you'll enjoy the first chapter!

“Shit.”

Lance was crouching, cornered under a table on this unfamiliar spaceship.

He was bruised, wounded, and in pain.

Blood stained his Paladin armor, sharp pain pulsing through his right arm because of the long cut he had in it. His head ached from how many times he was thrown against the wall, from how many times he hit the ground way too hard. He felt his strength fading, his legs shaking, his whole body trembling. He was breathing heavily, realizing how he was getting weaker with every blow he got.

This was unbelievably hard. It shouldn’t have been like this. This mission was supposed to be okay.

Well… He did have a bad feeling about Keith’s plan. But Keith protested. It wasn’t that Lance would exactly believe in what he said, but he didn’t want to lose to Keith. He didn’t want to show himself off as a coward. Not to himself, not to Keith. That was why he decided to stop resisting and run blindly into the action.

But now… oh god, did he regret it.

He lost Keith a long time ago, left to fight on his own. Unfortunately, his opponent was not one. There was five of the aliens. And they weren’t friendly, at all.

He managed to run away, but he wasn’t that naive to think that he’d shake them off forever. He was tired of fighting, and he wasn’t sure how much more he can stand. He was fully aware that he won’t last for much longer.

He knew that inside this ship, there was important information regarding the Galra Empire, which was why they decided to infiltrate. But no one expected it to be like this. It was not supposed to be dangerous. Not like that.

_This is all Keith’s fault._

So there Lance was, curled up in a corner, having exactly zero ideas how the heck could he proceed next.

_Stupid Keith. Stupid, stupid Keith. I shouldn’t have trusted him._

_What will happen next? What am I gonna do? This sucks, this is so bad, oh my god…_

He heard a faint noise, footsteps from relatively far away. They were getting closer.

They were going his direction, accompanied by muffled voices.

He held his breath, praying. _Please, please, let them go away…_

Footsteps got closer. Voices grew stronger. They were near. Lance felt like he’d start crying at any moment.

_Please…_

**_BANG!_ **

Loud sound resounded above Lance’s head, followed by the table he was hiding under crashing onto him. It hit him hard and he screamed, falling face front onto the ground. He looked up and saw faces of the aliens. Neon green pupils that seemed to emit their own light, pale blue skin and an ominous grin.

Lance tried to get back on his feet as fast as he could, gasping for air after the blow he received. He activated his Bayard and wanted to strike back, but he was too slow. Weakened by the long, uneven fight, he didn’t react fast enough and one of the aliens kicked the Bayard out of his hands. Followed by another kick, Lance was once again set flying against the wall. A painful shriek escaped his mouth, blackness forming in front of his eyes for a second. He got up again nonetheless, panting.

_I can’t give up._

He run towards the aliens with bare hands, with not much of a hope to actually do some damage. But he was too proud to just stop and let them win without him trying until the very last breath.

He was aiming to punch the nearest one, without thinking, but before he even got close, clawed hand appeared in front of him face and slashed over his face.

It was followed by a sharp pain and bloodcurdling scream. Lance fell to the ground. Blood was pouring from his face and his eyes and he could only see red. Pulsing pain paralyzed him as he tried to back off, gasping for air, not able to think about anything else but how much he wished everything would just _stop_.

Taking advantage of Lance’s shock and injury, the aliens delivered some more hits to make sure he wasn’t a threat to them anymore, before moving along to find the rest of the crew.

Lance heard them talking and leaving the room, laughing and all satisfied, before he blacked out.

 

“Why do I have to be paired with your ugly mullet again, dammit.” Lance was pouting since he and Keith were sent off by the rest of the team.

Keith pretended not to hear it as they sneaked through the ship, crouching by a wall. He peeked around the corner.

“There’s too many…” He frowned. “This will take forever.”

“Okay so, why not just turn around and try-”

“Shh! I’m thinking.”

“Wow, really.”

“Shut up, Lance.”

“Or wha-” Keith put his hand over Lance’s mouth, because bunch of aliens just passed though the hallway on their left. Luckily, not noticing them.

Keith bit his lip as he looked around, wondering what would the best plan be. He noticed an open door on the other side of the hallway and headed there. Lance followed him.

The room behind the door was small and empty, with only few mechanical spare parts on a lone table. Under it, there was a ventilation opening. Keith went in without hesitation. He ignored Lance’s chafed muttering as they crawled through.

“No way, we reached the control room! Perfect!” Keith said excitingly when he looked outside.

Lance frowned at what he saw. Not that far away from there, there was a huge computer with a control panel, with no one on it. However, next to it, there was a doorframe with no door in it. In the room beyond it, a bunch of aliens were... being, aliens? Some standing, armed, chatting nonchalantly; some sitting behind their desks, working.

Keith was apparently not bothered by that.

“We’ve got the flashdrive-like thing Pidge gave us, now we just have to get to the computer...”

“I have a bad feeling about this,” Lance mumbled, peeking over Keith’s shoulder. “They’re right there. What if they spot us?”

Keith ignored him. “I will download the data and you’ll guard the entrance. Then, we get out of here through this vent again as fast as possible.”

“Keith, are you _serious?_ ”

“What?” Keith asked with a genuine confusion.

“Do you seriously want to risk that?” A bit of fear was apparent in Lance’s voice.

Keith didn’t understand why Lance would be against it. “But this will be the easiest way!”

Lance couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “No matter how you look at it, this won’t work!” he snapped at Keith.

“Of course it will! If we’re quiet enough, they won’t notice us!” Keith protested.

“We’re basically offering ourselves to them! _Hey, some dumb defenders of the universe just came in, they’re fresh and tasty!_ ”

“Lance, what the–”

“You know what, fine, if you want to, so be it. But I’m going back, this is too dangerous.” He wanted to back off when Keith sneered.

“Oh, come on. Don’t tell me you’re _scared_?” He smirked. “This will be a piece of cake.”

“What?!” That pissed Lance off. _Is he challenging me?!_ _Fine then!_ “I’m not _scared_ , mullet head. Let’s go!” He pushed Keith aside, grabbing on his Bayard and angrily headed to the entrance.

“Don’t call me that, Casanova-wannabe!” Keith hissed after him. He frowned, muttered few curses under his breath and went to the computer.

 

“Look, there he is!”

Lance was woken up by a bunch of familiar noises. He didn’t realize where he was or why he was there at first. His every part was in pain and it was hard to move. He tried to open his eyes, but even that hurt unbelievably badly. Before he could even comprehend what happened, the Paladins reached him.

“Lance!”

“Lance, oh my god, are you okay?”

“That’s the stupidest question to ask at this moment, Hunk!”

“Keith, there’s no time for this!” Shiro shut him. “Lance, can you hear me?” A cold hand touched Lance’s shoulder as everyone assembled around him.

With a deep breath and a lot of effort, Lance managed to say: “Yeah.”

Everyone had a deeply worried look on their faces as they looked at Lance; all beaten up and bloody, with his Paladin armor all tore and three long cuts going horizontally over his face and eyes.

Especially Keith looked worried. He was staring at Lance, deadly pale, with terror in his face.

Lance tried to open his eyes once again, but when he got through the pain, there was nothing; just black. It confused him for a second, but then he remembered that the last thing he saw was him being hit into face. So maybe, that was the reason.

He tensed all his muscles and sat up, hissing painfully. “What… happened?” he asked, his mind still cloudy and dizzy. “Nghhh…” Pain stroke through his head and he grabbed it in his hands in a desperate attempt to ease it.

Everyone looked at each other.

“We’re retreating. The mission was a failure,” Shiro said in a calming tone.

“It’s not safe here, we have to leave as fast as possible.” Hunk looked behind his shoulder, frightened of what may find them at any moment.

“Lance, can you stand?”

Lance nodded. Shiro helped him to his feet, Lance keeping one hand on his shoulder for support. He was shaking and almost fell over, but Keith rushed to his other side, putting Lance’s arm over his shoulder.

Lance let go of Shiro and rubbed his eyes. He hissed when his fingers touched the fresh wounds. He gulped and gathered all his strength to ask: “And is… is everyone alright?”

“Yeah,” said Shiro with a slight smile.

“Is… is Keith alright?”

“I am.” As much as he was trying not to let it show, his voice was obviously shaking.

Lance smiled. “Thank… god.”

With that, he blacked out and collapsed.

“LANCE!”

Keith caught him before he could fall on the floor.

Shiro frowned. “We have to get out of here. Now.”

“Yeah, let’s go.” Pidge run to the door and peeked outside, then nodded to imply that the coast is clear.

Keith looked at Lance in his arms. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, before picking him up and following rest of the Paladins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is this another bonding moment i see happening ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
> Anyway, thanks for reading! I hope you liked the beginning, I feel a little insecure about it as I'm not really good at writing battles and stuff like that, but I hope I got you hyped for more nontheless!!!  
> I'll try to actually update this fic somewhat regulary, although I don't know how successfull I'll be because of schoolwork, my dumb decision to join a club that organizes events and my, probably going to be very poor, attempt to participate in Nanowrimo. However, I'll at least try to!  
> So once again, thanks for reading. Until next time!


	2. Lonely healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance it taking a long time to heal in the cryopod.  
> Everyone is impatient and worried. Worried about the worst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look i know it's been like half a year but I CAN EXPLAIN.  
> The explanation is simple; my freshman ass got kicked by college really, really hard. Even this chapter is the result of procrastination during my finals. Who cares about history exam in two days? I have been waiting for my muse to return from war for such a long time, and she decides to come back right now... thanks a lot.  
> Anyway, for real now I'm back! And actually ready to continue this. During the long time since I started this fic, I actually was able to get some more ideas for it, so hopefully, after my exams, things will be smoother.  
> Now for the angst, tho; I hope you enjoy it. It's painful, but worth it.

The days during which Lance was in the healing pod felt like weeks to everyone.

They took turns watching him. They weren’t going to let anyone wake up from the cryopod alone. It was kind of like an unspoken rule of theirs. So even during the night, someone was always in the room, watching, _waiting._ After all, none of the others have received any serious injuries during the mission.

None of them actually got into a battle like Lance did.

Keith wanted to spend the most time on the watch. Everyone had a hard time convincing him to take a break and go to sleep. They always managed and he unwillingly left, but it just made everyone worry even more. He was acting strange. He didn’t just look worried and tired like the rest of them; he avoided any conversation or contact with anyone, and there was indescribable pain in his eyes every time he was looking at the healing pod Lance was in.

Of course, Keith was never very talkative type to begin with, and no one expected anyone to be cheerful in this situation. The atmosphere was depressing and heavy. Especially since there wasn’t Lance to make a stupid joke to try and break it. But Keith’s behavior sparked suspicion in the Paladins. But he refused to tell anything on his own, and they didn’t force him. Obviously, this was a dark time for all of them.

 

Hunk broke down on the fourth day.

He didn’t throw a fit. He wasn’t hysterical. He wasn’t even on his watch duty. He just went to check on his best friend, because with every passing second, he was growing more and more worried. Pidge was there, staring into her laptop. When she noticed Hunk entering the room, she looked up and gave him a tired smile. He smiled back without a word and stood in front of the healing pod. Looking at Lance, looking at his best friend, in a state he never wished to see him in. Three half-healed, deep and long scars over his face. Blood stained clothes, because some of the wounds still kept on bleeding when they rushed him into the cryopod. An image in which Lance looked way more fragile and dead than Hunk would have ever admitted.

Before he knew it, there were tears in his eyes and streaming down his face. He fell to the ground, and sobbing gradually turned into painful crying. He didn’t move a muscle, he didn’t even look at Lance anymore. He just sat there, crying his eyes out in despair.

Pidge closed her laptop and walked to him, carefully hugging him from behind. She didn’t let go until Hunk has finished… and it was a long time. When he calmed down, he turned around to look at her; puffy cheeks, red eyes and swollen nose, all contented into a face screaming _worry_.

“I know,” she whispered. “I know.”

That was all she needed to say. Hunk pulled her into another hug. It was warm, soft and comforting. Pidge tightened the grip of her tiny arms on Hunk’s wide back and then looked over at the healing pod.

 _Lance, please… we all miss you_ , she thought. _We are all worried. Please, come back to us. Please._

 

Shiro lost it after a week.

It was his turn to watch over Lance. He hasn’t been there for long, maybe half an hour. He was pacing through the room anxiously, stopping from time to time in front of the healing pod to look at Lance. Maybe he expected some magic to happen. Maybe he expected it to release him at any moment, so he could finally breathe again. With every time he stopped to look, worries and anger kept piling up inside him. He was impatient and he hated it.

If he could’ve just done anything... But he wasn’t even there when it all went down. He was a leader; how was he not able to protect his own team? Was it irresponsible from him to take them at that mission? Biting his lip, his pace was speeding up.

He stopped and looked at him again. It has been a week, shouldn’t there be more of a change already? He didn’t want to think of the possibilities.

Staring at Lance’s scarred face, he gulped. He didn’t want to think of the results, the aftermaths, either.

 _It’ll be fine, it’ll be fine,_ he kept repeating in his head. But he couldn’t bring himself to believe it.

_Even if he may be healing right now, we still can’t say for sure if he will actually survive. And even if he does, we don’t know what damage will this have left on him…_

The emotions were slowly growing unbearable.

After eleventh time waiting for a miracle to happen, he snapped.

Unlike Hunk’s, his breakdown was… violent.

Suddenly, he was kicking the chair in the room. He was smashing his fists onto the table. He kicked the chair again, so it hit the wall. He was screaming, cursing, swearing. He was just so _angry_.

It took him a minute to realize what he’s doing. He stopped moving, breathing rapidly. He then buried his face in his hands.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck…” He kept cursing under his breath, shaking. _Why did this happen? How could he let this happen? His team was his responsibility._ “Fuck!” He screamed again, this time his voice muffled by his hands over his mouth. He was trembling, and felt like he may go into panic at any given second.

Then he heard footsteps.

“Shiro…” Allura walked into the room. He froze in place. He was embarrassed to be seen in this kind of situation. Allura didn’t seem to care. She walked over to him from behind and wrapped her arms around his waist.

“It’s okay, darling, calm down,” she spoke in a soft, soothing voice. “He will be okay. I am sure about that.”

“Allura…” he pulled her arms away, turned around and looked at her. He opened his mouth, but he couldn’t think of anything he could say. “I-”

“Shiro, there was nothing you could do. Don’t beat yourself over possible scenarios.”

He lowered his head and looked into the floor.

“But… I’m supposed to be the leader, the Black Paladin… and yet, I… I couldn’t even do this…”

Allura gently took his face into her hands and looked him in the eyes.

“It’s not your fault. Please, stop blaming yourself. It’s not doing anyone any good.”

She let go of his face and took Shiro’s hand into hers. Shiro closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry. I just… feel really guilty. I just hope that he’ll be okay…” he whispered.

“We all do. But he will. I promise.” She looked over at the healing pod. “I can take over if you want,” she offered.

Shiro shook his head. “No, that’s fine. But maybe… you could stay here with me?”

She smiled slightly. “Of course.”

 

Two days later, Keith was watching Lance overnight.

He was sitting on the elevated floor next to the healing pod, despite the chair and table Hunk has brought there at the very beginning so they could wait for Lance’s return more comfortably. He was seated so he didn’t have to look at him. He just wanted to be as close to him as possible, without actually having to see all the damage. If he didn’t see it, he could at least pretend that it wasn’t as bad. He had his palm supporting his chin, staring into space without moving.

That’s how Allura found him.

“Keith,” she said quietly as she closed the door behind her. “Don’t you want to go to sleep? You’ve been here all day.”

Keith raised his head and looked at her, blinking a few times as if he was woken up from a dream. “Allura…” he started, and then shook his head. “No, I’m fine. I slept yesterday.”

“Keith, that’s not how it works. How many times do we have to tell you?” she sighed as she walked up to him. “You need to sleep every day.” Keith didn’t react to that. She sighed again and then sat next to him on the small stairs.

“I don’t understand what’s taking so long,” she whispered. “Coran keeps checking on his vital signs, and he _is_ healing… but…” Leaning forward, she hugged her knees and looked over to her right to the cryopod. “Maybe the damage was worse than we thought?”

They obviously saw Lance’s injuries when they found him, and the monitor in the middle of the room told them a lot of information about his state. But nothing was flawless, nor them, nor technology.

Lance’s injuries were serious. Broken ribs, fractured skull, concussion. Lots of wounds, internal bleeding… he lost enough blood to get them worried . But theoretically, that was all something the cryopod was supposed to be able to deal with. It would probably take long, yeah. It wasn’t like it didn’t happen before.

However, the second thing they were most afraid of after Lance not waking up, was the state he was going to wake up in.

Cryopods were magic to the Paladins’ Earth standards, but they couldn’t do miracles.

“Do you think it may be because it’s trying to repair his eyes?” Keith asked with a weak voice.

Allura bit her lip. “That’s possible.”

The injury on his face wasn’t life threatening unlike the rest. But even when they eliminated the possibility that Lance may die, because it was just too heavy of thought. Even if they strongly believed that he will wake up eventually… there were still those three deep cuts on his face that were extremely worrisome.

They didn’t know how it happened. It wasn’t exactly like someone, or something, clawed out his eyes. But the aliens they fought against did have long, sharp claws, so they assumed that one of them slashed them against Lance’s face. But for sure, the wounds didn’t go just over his eyes or over the lids – the claws got under and dug into his cornea and apparently deeper. And they were yet to know the extent of the nerve damage. They could only pray that they were wrong, and that his eyes will heal and be okay… but the possibility of the injury affecting Lance’s sight was lingering over them as the sword of Damocles.

Healing pods weren’t actual magic, they mostly just sped up the natural healing process of the body. And it was natural for skin and tissue to scar. Keith once thought to himself that Lance will be seriously pissed over having those ugly scars over his face that he tried so hard to keep smooth, blemish free and healthy, until he realized that _He may not be able to actually see his own face anymore._ That thought had bitter taste, and kind of felt like someone had just stabbed him in the chest.

They have already discussed it. They have discussed Lance a lot, after all. Putting away the worry that he may die because he actually seemed to be healing, they talked about how there is a possibility of him becoming blind that no one could refute with certainty.

Keith couldn’t handle that thought. He couldn’t handle to imagine that Lance may lose his sight. Not when…

“It’s my fault,” he said suddenly, startling Allura who has also been lost in her thoughts.

“What is?” she asked as she looked at him.

Keith turned his gaze away and stared at the floor beneath him. “That this happened,” he whispered. “That Lance… is in this condition. That’s all my fault.”

“How is that your-”

“I was dumb,” he cut her off. “I… I overestimated us, and underestimated our enemies. I was too reckless. He tried to stop me, but I was stubborn and didn’t listen. I made a mistake, and now… he’s paying for it.” He could feel his eyes watering, so he quickly shut them and held the tears back. He wasn’t going to break down in front of Allura, _he wasn’t_.

Allura was silent. “You didn’t hurt him,” she said softly after a while. “Even if you made a mistake, you are not the one to blame for what happened. That’s just not how it works.”

“I feel horrible. Out of everyone, Lance…” he stopped midsentence. He wasn’t going to continue that, this was embarrassing already, and besides, he said way more than enough. He looked away, but Allura took his hand.

“Keith, please. Stop it. Don’t beat yourself up like this.” _Oh, as if she didn’t need to tell the exact same thing to someone else already._ “You can’t get lost in “what if’s”. That’s in the past, and you need to face the present. Lance may need you when he comes out, and you need to be present to be there for him.”

Keith didn’t like the sound of her words, at all. None of it made sense to him. But maybe the lack of sleep was just getting to him. He noticed that when he felt his lids close despite his will.

“Keith, Lance will be okay. I am sure of it. I promise.”

 _It sounded so unbelievably fake._ But Keith didn’t have the energy to argue anymore.

“Maybe I would like to get some sleep in the end,” he said. “Would you mind taking over for me?”

“Absolutely not, I was planning to do so anyway. Good night. Rest well.” She smiled at him, but there was something forced about it.

“Yeah, thanks.” Keith decided to just let it slide, and left the room, closing the door carefully behind him just so he could then dash through the hallway all the way to his room.

He definitely wasn’t running away from the problem. Definitely not.

 

Four days later, Lance woke up.

Hunk was present when the healing pod released him, and at first, it startled him. But he quickly realized what it meant – finally, _finally_.

“Lance!” He rushed over to the pod to catch his friend stumbling out of it, and put Lance’s arm over his shoulder. He raised his other hand to his mouth and spoke to the communicator they all started to wear for this specific reason.

“Hey, guys? Lance woke up!” he announced happily, his voice shaking.

_“Finally!”_

_“Oh my god.”_

_“That’s great news!”_

_“On my way!”_

Lance finally somewhat realized what’s been happening and turned to Hunk, squinting.

“…Hunk?”

“Oh my god, Lance, Lance! Finally you’re awake! We were so worried, so worried!” Hunk couldn’t stop himself. He was just so glad, so relieved that Lance was finally, finally awake. “Sit down here, everybody’s gonna be there in a minute.” He helped him to the chair and seated him down, now examining him properly. He didn’t look exactly good, but it wasn’t bad either. His skin didn’t have as deadly tone as it used to, and it seemed that what was left from all the wounds were just scars. He looked really tired, though, despite being unconscious for two weeks. _But healing oneself probably takes a lot energy,_ guessed Hunk. He looked at Lance’s face. “How are you feeling, buddy?”

Lance blinked a few times and breathed in. “I-”

But before he could say anything, and before Hunk could notice anything weird, the door flung open and someone dashed inside. “Lance!”

It was Pidge, and she run right to him while screaming his name, jumping at him and hugging him. Lance let out a startled shriek before recognizing her. “Pidge…”

“Pidge, be careful!” Shiro, who entered right behind her, shouted over at her. Allura, Coran, and lastly, Keith, followed him into the room.

“Ah, I’m sorry.” She let go off Lance and stood next to him. His gaze followed her, blinking rapidly as she spoke. “I got too excited. We’re all just so happy that you’re okay.”

Lance took a deep breath, obviously disoriented, and looked around. “Guys, what exactly happened?” he asked. “I’m… not sure if I remember. I remember the last mission that we went on for the data but...”

“We failed.” Shiro came closer to Lance. “We got separated, then they found out that we’re on board and… it didn’t go well. You got beaten up pretty badly.”

“Oh, right! Yeah, I remember now. You came for me after that.” Lance kept squinting in Shiro’s direction.

“We did.” Shiro squatted down on the floor in front of him. “You were in cryopod for almost two weeks. We were all worried. Nice to have you back. How are you feeling? Do you hurt anywhere?”

“Hurt… no, nothing’s hurting, I’m… okay I guess. But…”

Shiro raised an eyebrow. And then, in that second, even before Lance said it, it all made sense; the squinting, the disorientation, the blinking.

“It’s dark. Why… why is it so dark? Are the lights out?”

Oh.

_Oh._

How could they forget?

Maybe they got a bit too excited over him finally waking up. Maybe they didn’t notice because they were overwhelmed with joy, but maybe they didn’t notice because they didn’t want to. They were still holding to the hope that the healing pod managed to fix everything.

But, apparently, that didn’t work out.

Now, they all looked closely at Lance’s face. The scars crossing it were all healed by now, but his eyes… looked wrong. They were hazy and cloudy, and they couldn’t tell where the pupil ended and iris began. Worst of all, they weren’t focusing on anything – just staring into air, into nothing.

Everybody went silent, looking at each other with horror written in their faces.

“G-guys?” Lance stuttered. There was panic and fear in his voice.

Shiro took Lance’s hands into his. “Lance, we’re here, it’s okay. Don’t worry, it’s fine.” He took a deep breath. “The lights are on, though.”

“Then why can’t I s- _Oh._ ” Lance stopped, and color faded from his face as he gulped. “I remember. He swung his claws in front of my face and then, there was just blood…”

That sentence gave everyone goosebumps.

Allura was digging her fingers into Coran’s shoulder anxiously, while he was frozen into place, lips pressed into thin line. Pidge was holding onto Hunk’s arm and biting her lip. Hunk was obviously suppressing tears and trying hard to not start crying.

And Keith was standing in the corner the whole time. Even paler than usual, his expression completely emotionless. But there was a single tear rolling down his cheek.

Shiro tried his best to keep calm. Lance looked like he may give into panic at any second. “We hoped that the healing pod will fix it, but… seems like it was too much,” he said carefully. “I’m sorry.”

Lance let go of Shiro’s hands and raised one to touch his face. He traced the scars on his cheek, forehead and nose before he stopped in front of his eyes. “So I’m blind…” he whispered.

It wasn’t a question. But even if it was, no one would know how to respond to it.

Because nobody wanted to admit it. Nobody wanted to say “yes”.

Nobody knew what to do or say in this situation.

“Lance,” Allura stepped in. “We’ll take you to the infirmary and check you out properly before anything else, okay?”

“Okay,” he nodded, standing up. Allura gently took his arm and led him out of the door with Coran by his other side.

Pidge, Shiro and Hunk looked at each other. Shiro sighed and turned around. “Keith-”

But at that moment, the sound of footsteps resonated the room as Keith sprinted to the hallway without looking back.

 _This is all your fault_.

This sentence has kept repeating itself in his brain over and over, ever since he saw Lance awake. He was happy to see that he was okay for a short time, except he was not, because Lance was not okay.

_Lance couldn’t see._

And it was his fault, his fault, his fault.

That was the only thing he could think of when he watched. But he couldn’t bring himself to leave, his body wouldn’t move, paralyzed by guilt and regret, so he just stood there and thought, over and over and over, that this was. His. Fault.

And when he finally gathered enough courage, he dashed out of the room as quickly as he could.

But once again, it wasn’t like he was running away from his problems. Absolutely not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you believe that i actually wrote this whole chapter in two days?  
> Procrastination during finals is magical.  
> Anyway, I really hope you liked the chapter! I'm so happy that it turned out so long (way longer than i expected) and that I was able to move on.  
> If you think that this is too much angst, then let me tell you that not by my standarts. It will get worse. But I like happy endings.  
> Next one is going to start with Lance's "pov" on the moment he woke up, and I will generally start focusing on him and not just Keith. And there will be more angst and tears, obviously.  
> So, thank you for reading and until next time!


	3. Hurtful reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance woke up from the healing pod, and he woke up into the darkness. The team brought the inevitable news that he was blind.  
> He's still in too big of a shock to completely process what is happening. But that won't last forever, and eventually, the reality will hit... painfully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was serious when I said I'm coming back to this and actually continuing to update the fic. This only took me about a month! Woohoo!!  
> Anyway, the angst is getting more and more intense, so... enjoy the pain, I guess?

When Lance woke up, at first, he didn’t understand. His mind was hazy and slow, his body heavy.

_What is this? Where am I? What happened?_

It wasn’t until he heard a voice he recognized that he snapped back into reality.

“…Hunk?”

“Oh my god, Lance, Lance! Finally you’re awake! We were so worried, so worried!” Blabbering excitedly, Hunk was apparently overflowing with joy and relief as he spoke. “Sit down here, everybody’s gonna be there in a minute.”

So he was safe; Hunk was there, so that meant everything was okay. Just knowing his best friend is with him was comforting enough.

The dizziness and confusion slowly melting away, Lance noticed something.

It was dark.

He tried to blink a few times, but nothing happened.

Hunk sat him down onto a chair; well, Lance at least thought it was a chair.

_Why is it so dark?_

He could only see pitch black. Squinting, he kept looking around, but there was no outline of anything, no light whatsoever. Just overwhelming darkness.

_Are the lights turned off?_

He was confused.

“How are you feeling, buddy?” Hunk’s voice was soft and caring as usual, but obviously shaking. Both with excitement and relief.

Blinking, still desperately trying make his eyes work, Lance breathed in to start talking. “I-”

But before he could say anything, the door loudly flung open and there were footsteps of someone dashing inside.

“Lance!”

Screaming his name, the person jumped at him and wrapped their arms around him in a tight hug. Lance let out a startled shriek and froze for a second, before recognizing the voice and small frame. “Pidge…”

“Pidge, be careful!” Shiro. And sound of people walking into the room.

“Ah, I’m sorry.” She let go off Lance and he tried to follow her voice in the darkness. “I got too excited. We’re all just so happy that you’re okay.”

Lance still didn’t understand; why, just why was no one mentioning the obvious lack of light in the room? Did the generator blow up again and left the castle without power? It wouldn’t be the first time it happened, not when they had Hunk and Pidge constantly digging into the castle’s innards…

But that wouldn’t explain him being in a healing pod. So first, he had to find out why was that.

Still trying to look around, he took a deep breath and asked: “Guys, what exactly happened? I’m… not sure if I remember. I remember the last mission that we went on for the data but...”

“We failed.” Shiro’s voice was low and quiet as he came closer. “We got separated, then they found out that we’re on board and… it didn’t go well. You got beaten up pretty badly.”

_Beaten up pretty badly…_

Oh.

The memory of the fight came back. Blood, screaming, pain. The wounds he’d gotten while already running away because he was oh so outnumbered. The image of him crouching under a table, heart beating fast and body shaking. The mercilessness of the aliens as they sent him flying against the wall and kicked him into unconsciousness.

“Oh, right!” he blurted out “Yeah, I remember now. You came for me after that.”

“We did.” Lance felt Shiro’s hand on his knee. “You were in cryopod for almost two weeks. We were all worried. Nice to have you back. How are you feeling? Do you hurt anywhere?”

Hurt? No, he wasn’t hurting. Not that it would be expected as he just got out of the magical alien healing machine, would it?

“Hurt… no, nothing’s hurting, I’m… okay I guess. But…”

But this seemed like the right time to mention something everyone seemed to ignore.

“It’s dark. Why… why is it so dark? Are the lights out?”

It had to be something with the lights, right? Something with the castle. What else could it be? But why was everyone keeping quiet about it? He couldn’t think of any other explanation. He was too shocked, and also in an unintentional denial. After all, what’s the first logical conclusion you would make in this kind of situation?

The room went silent. Suddenly, there was no sound, and he felt like being swallowed by the overwhelming darkness.

“G-guys?” Lance stuttered. Why weren’t they saying anything?

Someone took Lance’s hands into theirs; they were big, one warm and one cold. Shiro. “Lance, we’re here, it’s okay. Don’t worry, it’s fine.” He took a deep breath. “The lights are on, though.”

“Then why can’t I s- _Oh._ ” He stopped. At that moment, it hit him. He suddenly remembered the scene, the pain not that long before he blacked out. How his face suddenly became covered in a warm liquid and all he could see was red. He gulped. “I remember. He swung his claws in front of my face and then, there was just blood…”

So that was the reason.

It wasn’t the lights. They were on. The others could see them just fine.

Only he couldn’t.

He wouldn’t even think of it, wouldn’t consider it; so the problem was that _he_ couldn’t see?

But it made sense.

The realization started to sink in. Lance felt something resembling panic slowly crawling its way up his stomach to his throat.

The grip of Shiro’s hands on his tightened. “We hoped that the healing pod will fix it, but… seems like it was too much,” he said carefully. “I’m sorry.”

_So I can’t see now._

_I can’t see._

Lance let go of Shiro’s hands and went to touch his face. He felt it; there were scars. He traced over them; his cheek, forehead and nose. He stopped in front of his eyes. “So I’m blind…” he whispered.

It wasn’t a question. He didn’t expect anyone to answer him. So the silence wasn’t surprising at all.

What was surprising was the weight of the reality that just kept sinking in deeper and deeper into his skin.

“Lance,” Allura’s quiet, but firm voice pulled him out of his thoughts. “We’ll take you to the infirmary and check you out properly before anything else, okay?”

“Okay,” he nodded, standing up. He could tell that the hand which grabbed his arm was Allura’s, and he heard Coran whisper “Yes, princess.” as he stepped next to him to accompany them.

He heard the door close behind them as they walked out of the room.

 

If someone was in denial, it was Keith.

_This is so wrong. This can’t be happening._

He ran away. What else was he supposed to do?

He didn’t hear Hunk screaming out his name after him, nor Shiro telling him to leave Keith alone.

He didn’t care. He couldn’t care less about them. He had another person on his mind at that moment.

_This is your fault._

Lance couldn’t see. Lance was blind.

_Blind._

That word in his mind tasted like poison and he gulped.

_How did this happen?_

He finally reached his room, out of breath. He didn’t even notice just how fast he must have run, considering how quickly he got there.

He went inside, closed the door behind him and let himself fall onto his bed.

_This was not supposed to happen. None of this was supposed to happen._

He covered his face with his hands.

_So why, why did it happen? Why did I let it happen?_

_I’m so sorry, Lance, I’m so, so sorry…_

He was angry. Angry at the aliens. Angry at the world. Angry at _himself._

Just so, so angry.

The whole thing was bad. With anyone it would be bad.

But it happened to _Lance._ So it was even worse.

He was too proud to admit it, but lately, Lance was becoming more and more important to him. During these months in space, they came from rival bickering to being actual friends. Sure, they still argued. A lot. They both couldn’t stand each other’s certain opinions and behavior, and they still thought the other one was hopelessly _stupid_ in so many cases. But they liked each other.

For Keith, he was starting to be afraid about how far this _liking_ may go.

He was more than okay with his sexuality, but he learned the hard way that crushing on a straight guy just to be rejected and ridiculed was painful and at least awkward, if not straightly embarrassing.

The team was so important to Keith. They were not just teammates, they were friends. They were all like a family he missed so much and never thought he would have. He was supposed to fight with them and defend the universe. And he was bound to see all of them every day for at least some more time.

He couldn’t mess it all up by getting a stupid crush on one of them. That would be the worst possible scenario.

And it was still just a small, innocent crush (even though Keith was over-worried about it enough), but of course, the new worst case scenario had to appear.

_His crush losing his sight and it was Keith’s fault._

Just because of his own stupidity and recklessness. Just because he didn’t listen to Lance when he was trying to tell him that it was a bad idea. Just because he dared him.

This might have never happened if only Keith wasn’t this enormous of an idiot.

“Fuck!” Keith sat up on his bed, face red with anger. But it wasn’t just anger that he felt; he was hurt and sad. _Because Lance was hurt, and he was going to be sad._ He didn’t want to think about Lance’s reaction from which he cowardly escaped… but he couldn’t help it. And the image forming in his mind of Lance’s expression with the scars over his face… it was painful.

He couldn’t take it. Desperately trying to push back the tears that were slowly filling his eyes, he screamed: “Fuck!” He punched the wall next to him and then cursed again as the pain shot up his forearm. He felt a bit calmer, but this wasn’t working. _This won’t do,_ he thought. He had to get out that anger somehow. And the only way to do that known to him was to fight. So he picked himself up, grabbed his bayard and made his way to the training deck.

Beating up the gladiator was the best possible outlet, as Keith felt that with every blow he delivered, some of the tension has faded away. But no matter how many times he hit the robot, it didn’t ease the blame he felt spreading through his whole being.

 

Lance’s mind was still too overwhelmed by everything he had to take in while he was being checked out in the castle’s infirmary. Coran and Allura were talking to each other, but he could understand maybe every fifth word. It was too difficult for his tired brain to follow, and besides, biology was never his favorite subject to begin with.

But he understood the most important part – that his eyes and optical nerves were damaged beyond repair. Not even the space technology Allura and Coran were familiar with could fix something like this.

“I’m so sorry, Lance,” Allura said quietly. “There’s nothing we can do.”

That meant he was blind. For good.

He didn’t know how to feel about that, honestly.

_There’s no way this can’t be fixed… maybe just a few more days in a cryopod would help? And Allura and Coran were asleep for ten thousand years, surely, since then, there had to be scientific advance that would be able to heal this…_

_There just_ has _to be a way… don’t tell me, please, don’t tell me, that I will actually never see again…_

Looking back, the realization was slow, way slower than he would have ever thought. Even the others were surprised by his reaction. They expected him to freak out and cry, but he was just lifelessly sitting on the examination table and not saying a word.

They didn’t know that all these emotions were creeping up in his body, growing stronger with every second, just waiting for a moment when they will be able to overflow and burst out.

Lance still hoped that it was just a bad dream he would wake up from. He was praying for the awakening to come soon. But no matter how much you want to deny the reality, you will eventually need to face it at some point.

“Alright Lance, we’re done,” said Allura. Thankfully, the cryopod was able to deal with the rest of his injuries just fine. Everything else was completely healed and aside from all the scars that were left, he was perfectly healthy… not counting his eyes, of course.

There was a slight pause before she spoke again. “I think you should eat something and then rest. Let’s take you to your room, shall we?”

“Okay,” Lance nodded and stood up.

Allura gently took his arm and turned her head to her advisor. “Coran, please, will you get Lance something to eat?”

“Certainly, princess,” he said and left the room before they did.

“Come, Lance, let’s go.”

Without a word, Lance let her lead him to his room. When they were inside, she sat him onto his bed and went to the dresser next to it. “I think you should rest after you eat something. In which drawer do you keep your pajamas? I’m going to get you a clean one.”

“The third,” Lance said.

Nodding, Allura dig through for a while and then handed Lance a fresh pile.

“I need to go to the bathroom anyway,” he mumbled.

Directing him to the door, she pressed the button to open it for him. “Do you… will you need help dressing up?” she asked carefully.

“I’m fine,” he said as he stepped inside. Allura sighed and went to sit back on the bed to wait.

 

When Lance came out changed, he could smell a sweet scent spreading through the room.

“Hey buddy.” It was Hunk. “We figured you’d be hungry after thirteen days in a limbo, so I made you some pancakes.”

Lance didn’t really feel like eating, but he also didn’t have strength to talk back to his best friend’s caring tone.

“They’re with your favorite space jam, too.”

Lance could never resist that. Maybe he was kind of hungry after all.

“Sounds great,” he forced a small smile. He sat down on the bed and Hunk handed him the plate. By just how fast he chugged down the roll-ups, Lance realized that he actually was very, _very_ hungry.

“You should drink something. Do you want tea or water?” Allura asked.

“I’ll take the tea,” he mumbled with his mouth still full.

He heard her pouring liquid and then she tightly pressed a mug in his hands.

After he took a sip, she sat down next to him. “How are you feeling?”

“I… I don’t know,” he admitted and rested his head against the wall, closing his eyes. “It’s… weird.”

“Do… do you want to talk about it?” Hunk asked quietly and put his hand on Lance’s knee.

“Talk about what?” He lowered his head and sighed in a very slight annoyance. “I’m blind. There’s nothing more to talk about.”

_I’m blind now. I can’t see._

He sighed again, this time in pain.

“We’re so sorry Lance,” Allura whispered, placing her hand on his other knee. “I wish we could do something…”

Lance felt tears welling up in his eyes. He shook his head. “It’s just…”

_I’m useless now. I can’t pilot. I can’t do anything._

“It’s hard.” The grip on Lance’s knee tightened. “But we are here for you, okay?” Allura said reassuringly.

“We will help you,” Hunk added.

_They will need to help me. I will need help._

_What did I do to deserve this?_

_Why did this happen to me?_

“Lance?”

At that moment, it has all sought in. The weight of the whole situation hit him all at once, and the realization was just too much for him to handle.

He started shaking uncontrollably, tears falling down his face. All the emotions burst out as he burst into tears, that after few seconds turned into a crying fit.

Allura and Hunk looked at each other. There was worry written all over their faces. This was so bad. They could tell that they were both thinking the very same thing: _What should we do?_

Then they hugged him tightly from both sides, each grabbing one of his hands into theirs. Allura was stroking his hair while Hunk kept repeating comforting words, reassuring him how everything’s going to be okay.

That was all they could do anyway.

Lance didn’t know how long it’s been, but eventually, he became extremely tired and before he knew it, the voices got fuzzy and he fell into a deep slumber.

 

It took almost an hour. Lance’s crying was loud, hysterical and desperate. His body was already exhausted, this being the last straw. He just broke down in sobs, and eventually cried himself to sleep.

When they were sure he was sound asleep, Hunk picked the dirty dishes. Allura put a blanket over Lance, who was curled up in a ball, eyelids under the scars red from all the tears. He looked incredibly vulnerable and fragile, like he was too small for the big world around. She never thought she would see something like that in _the blue paladin Lance_.

Quietly, they both left the room, and there were few seconds of silence after the door closed behind them.

“I’ll be in the kitchen,” Hunk said with a sigh. “I need to get my mind off all this and calm down.”

“Sure. See you later then.” Allura gave him a small smile, and he smiled back before turning around and walking to the other side of the hallway.

 

Soon enough, Pidge wandered into the kitchen to see Hunk taking freshly baked cinnamon rolls out of the oven.

“What are you doing here this late?” she asked and jumped onto the kitchen board to sit next to him, taking in the delicious, sweet smell. She was worried about Lance, but she was worried about Hunk, too. They were extremely close with Lance, and being so kind, caring and empathetic, she was afraid that he may get too emotionally invested, as usual, and that wouldn’t do anyone any good.

“I couldn’t sleep.” It wasn’t a lie; he knew for sure that he wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight, or at least for now. But it was easier than telling her what he just had to witness. It wasn’t like his best friend wouldn’t break down in front of him before – Lance wasn’t really the definition of mental stability. But this was very different. And he would tell her about it eventually, but there was no point in doing so right now. So he just shrugged and put the baking sheet on the kitchen board.

“Yeah, me neither,” she sighed. She reached for one of the rolls, but Hunk gently slapped the top of her hand.

“Don’t,” he said, but it was very kind, like when you’re reminding a child that what they’re about to do could hurt them. “They’re too hot, you’ll get a stomach ache, if you don’t burn your mouth first.”

Normally, she would click her tongue in annoyance and give him a look, but she was too tired. So she just silently nodded.

About a minute has passed in silence, the scent of fresh cinnamon rolls filling up the kitchen. They were one of those few meals they managed to recreate with the space ingredients almost identically to the Earth originals. And obviously, considering Lance’s homesickness, they were his favorite. Hunk wanted him to wake up to familiar and comforting breakfast if nothing else.

Pidge spoke again: “This is going to be pain is the ass. For everyone, but obviously, mostly for Lance.”

Hunk leant onto the kitchen desk and rubbed his temples. “I just want to help him get through this. But it’s just… I don’t have any idea how to make this situation better.”

“Yeah, I don’t either. But we’ll figure it out.” She gave him a faint smile, and he returned it. “I mean, we’re the paladins of Voltron. We can manage.”

“Well, I just hope _he_ can manage in the first place…” Hunk mumbled under his breath, looking off to the side. Pidge didn’t have anything to say to that. She jumped off the desk and went to hug Hunk, wrapping her arms around his waist tightly without a word. He hugged her back, thinking about how he wishes that they will be able to help Lance as much as they’re helping each other.

 

Allura made her way to what served as the castle’s living room. With a deep sigh, she plopped herself onto the sofa, defeated. Covering her face with her hands, she grumbled lowly into her palms.

After a while, Shiro appeared at the door.

“Hey,” he said. “How… how did it go?” He had a tired, worried look on his face. He looked even more done with everything than usual.

Allura shook her head instead of replying. Shiro walked over to the couch and sat next to her, putting his arm over her back. She sighed exhaustedly and rested her head on his shoulder.

“I don’t know what to do.” She buried her face into his shirt. “What do we do, Shiro?”

Shiro was quiet. “I don’t know,” he sighed after a while. Stroking her hair, he pulled her closer. “We just… have to try our best. We need to do what we can.”

She didn’t respond, just snuggled closer to his chest.

And like that, they stayed there for some time until they both fell asleep.

 

When Lance woke up, he first thought that he was still asleep. He vaguely remembered some of the previous day’s events, like waking up from the cryopod and sitting in the infirmary. But it was all unnaturally blurry and he couldn’t seem to recall any details.

He sat up and yawned, trying to look around. It was dark, and his first instinct was to turn the lights on, so he automatically reached over to the lamp on his nightstand…

But nothing happened.

He pressed the switch off and on one more time, and then again, and again…

Nothing was changing, it was still overwhelmingly dark. He felt like he may start to panic soon, because _what the quiznak was happening_ , but then it hit him.

Slowly, the memories came back to him. Hunk hugging him as he stumbled out of the healing pod, Pidge screaming his name, the team saying how the mission went downhill. Shiro’s quite apology and Allura’s sad “there’s nothing we can do”.

What followed were the memories of the battle itself. Blood, screaming, pain. It wasn’t just a nightmare.

He fell back into the bed, paralyzed by the sudden realization that this whole thing wasn't just a dream. This was reality, _his_ reality.

This all actually happened. It was _real_.

He was blind.

That word kept swirling in his mind, making an uncomfortable buzz in his brain.

What was going to happen now? He couldn’t see. He was useless. He was in space, far away from everything he loved and cared about, and blind.

_He was blind._

It hurt. It was scary.

The darkness was terrifying.

He gulped and wrapped his arms around his chest. Emotions he couldn’t really name were building up in him, threatening to burst out at any moment.

Recalling all the moments of yesterday, he thought back to Allura and Hunk hugging and comforting him as he cried, unable to even speak.

It was hard to breathe.

He couldn’t handle this.

He was hurt. Vulnerable. Broken.

He pathetically broke down in tears, while people were telling him that they will help him.

He didn’t _need_ anyone’s help. He didn’t _want_ it.

He had to be strong.

But he couldn’t right now.

But he also couldn’t show his weakness. It was too embarrassing, and he was sure he wouldn’t be able to handle the shame.

Shaking, he pushed his blanket aside and stood up. Legs trembling and his steps unsteady, he stumbled to the other side of the room, feeling for the switch on the wall.

He didn’t have the strength to face the reality just yet.

So he locked the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be completely honest, this was a hell of a chapter to write. I wish I could say that from now on, the rest of what I have prepared will be way easier to write, but I don't want to jinx it. But I know for sure that even more angst is coming your way, so be ready for that!  
> Thank you so much for reading, and I'll see you in the next chapter!


End file.
